Last time I posted here I was a pregnant working mother of one. I am now a jobless mother of two. Thank God.
Before I got married, I casually assumed I'd be a stay-at-home mother like my own mom. Then I got pregnant much earlier than we planned, we bought a house, we bought a minivan, and that second income seemed indispensable. I was working mainly for the benefits. I didn't much like the actual work I did, and going to the office every day at a job that was purely utilitarian got harder and harder, especially when I got pregnant for the second time.
My husband and I discussed for years the possibility of me leaving my job, but it never happened. Then, just a few days before my maternity leave for our daughter was up, my boss (and the company's owner) died suddenly, the guy who took over drastically cut "overhead," (funny to be told that you are overhead, like a desk or a computer) and I got laid off.
And I am suddenly free to chase after any number of things that seemed out of reach before.
Not that being home with my children is easy. All the things that I thought I'd have so much time for if I didn't work - cooking, knitting, visiting other moms, running, reading, praying and especially writing - only happen if I fight hard for the time and space to do them. I'm only able to write this right now because I forced myself out of bed at 5:45 a.m. Yesterday morning I couldn't even get myself dressed until 11 o'clock. Every day I submit to the demands of my little ones with varying measures of grace.
These short times of quiet aloneness happen infrequently and are more precious because they are so rare. I've been planning to wake up early for over a week now, ever since my husband the teacher went back to work. This is the first morning I've been able to make myself do it. But oh, how worthwhile it is. When your time is no longer your own, any solitude is pure luxury. I sit at my window on this late August morning watching the wind toss the trees around in the gray light. The air is cool, a reminder that the season will soon be changing. And I am grateful that I am awake, and quiet enough to notice these things.
This is a lovely post, Melissa. I so remember being where you are. Remember how you used to babysit for my kids while I went to my mother's group meetings? Those meetings saved me! Even now, that they are older and gone mostly, alone time still feels precious. Recently, Hal had to work an evening shift for about a month, and Lily and John are working a lot at their summer jobs. John would come home for dinner often and find me alone. He said, "Mom, aren't you lonely? Why don't you go out with your friends or something?" I told him "John, I had near constant companions for 18 years, so I enjoy being by myself. If I wanted to be with my friends, I would. I am never bored."
ReplyDelete